As I set off a week ago now to Mirfield in West Yorkshire for my planned stay with the Community of the Resurrection at their monastery there I didn’t realise how close I was coming, at least for now, to a pause in the spiritual searching I set off on late last summer. But I was, and as it’s turned out this shorter than expected post will conclude with the decision that I’m done for now, my week away having made me realise and remember some things.
For a start, about how little I like joining things. Because despite the fact that every community, group, political party, committee or organisation I’ve ever joined in with has been gratefully left, and often quite quickly, I’d set off for my Anglican Monastery week seriously thinking I might want to join the Church of England by the end of it. Well I don’t and I can be grateful to my week away for showing me that.
It’s not that the monks weren’t kind and welcoming, they definitely were. And for a few days I felt able to join in with the rhythm of their daily devotions with a feeling I was becoming involved in somewhere and something I could perhaps be a member of. But I can’t. Partly for the obvious reason that you can’t be a Christian without believing in Christ the human as also the Son of God. And try as I have I simply don’t. Seeing him more as a reformer, certainly, and maybe even a divinely inspired revolutionary, someone a bit like Moses or Muhammad. But divine? And part of the, to me, dubious Christian concept of a Holy Trinity? No. I could never see me coming to believe all that.
But also, and more pertinently for me, my week of silence, contemplation and joining in reminded me, forcibly, that I really don’t have any desire to join in with anything anyway. Because I’m happy as I am. A solo contemplative who’s interested in the guidance of the major religions while I’m waiting for my metaphorical last bus, but is no more a Christian than a Muslim or a Jew. Who will continue to visit my favourite church, Liverpool Cathedral, because I like the place and how it makes me feel. But without feeling any further need to think about joining the community of there or of any other religious place. A solo contemplative.
But I was greatly helped in my contemplations by this week of intense immersion in the Community at Mirfield. A week which was fascinating, in some ways exhausting, and I’m so glad and privileged to have done it, even if I may never do such a thing again.
But I don’t intend to write any more details about my week in the monastery, the way of life there and the couple of short conversations I managed to have during a mostly silent time there with one of the monks. Doing so would seem intrusive and disrespectful to the monks who were at all times kind and gracious to me. And helped me to come away realising this:
That all searching doesn’t have to end with joining things. Because sometimes, like now, it ends in remembering and being content with the things you already knew.
Which was worth all the journeying to find out.
Nothing to say except that your generosity in sharing these contemplative ventures is deeply appreciated.
I love that ending Ronnie. So glad you feel at peace being you, appreciating what you have and not feeling the need to join in on something that doesn’t ring true for you ( I’m not a big joiner in myself). It’s great to feel content alone while surrounded by friends just as you are.