Early in December I wrote a short blog post about my heart and its continued testing and monitoring. These are the main things I said then, explaining what had been happening all last year:
The short version with plain facts is this. I got up at 2am one night late in January to go for a wee, blacked out, collapsed sideways onto the bedroom floor and was unconscious for the next several minutes until my wife Sarah, woken by the noise of me falling, managed to bring me round at the same time as she was phoning the hospital. An ambulance and three emergency paramedics soon arrived, tested me for heart attack and stroke possibilities - and it wasn't them, thankfully. Then took me to the Royal Hospital for three days, where broken ribs all down the left side, some in two places were soon confirmed. And the heart and everywhere else scanning that's continued was begun. That scanning and me walking around with various monitors stuck to me sometimes suggested these various possible causes for my collapse and injuries (some back teeth and a foot were also involved) over the following months of careful after-care: "Might be just one of those things, a sudden drops in blood pressure, could happen to anyone" as I left the hospital; "There's a slight heart murmur, slight but we’ll investigate it” a few weeks and measurements later; Then "Too much blood pressure medication for your reduced weight" after the first time I saw the Broadgreen Cardiologist. This last being easily my favourite and what had got me thinking he'd now identified a logical and obvious cause of all the trouble, meaning I'd soon be discharged.
Or so I’d thought, now I was on the lower medication and feeling so generally well. Well I wasn't, was I. And walked home from Broadgreen last Tuesday feeling all the fragilities of this troublesome 2023, mental, physical and mortal, regathered around me.
And next? I've got appointments, for a repeat echocardiogram at the Royal in January, then what he’s calling “a conversation” with the cardiologist will happen in March. And I'm feeling ok, mortal but monitored let's call it. And if, as I’m suspecting, serious even surgical treatment of my heart turns out to be needed, well, as Sarah and Clare both say, better to find out and get it dealt with in this careful and thought about way than any kind of crisis alternative.
Now of course it’s nearly March and the week after next I’ll be having that conversation with the cardiologist. Long expected, all repeat testing now done, I’m still feeling extremely well and am still grateful to the NHS for their continued careful attention. But I can’t write at the moment, can barely even read, because of course my mind is only on that conversation.
Meaning, and here’s the point of this short newsletter, the next issue of The Magazine won’t emerge for a while. I’ve got ideas and have started writing a few times over the last couple of weeks, but the words won’t flow. I’ve tried encouraging myself with other people’s words from several novels, but they’re not working either. And if I can’t read, I can’t write.
So I’ve mostly been walking, losing myself in music and getting the allotment ready for spring. All these help with the worrying. But the writing isn’t up to much more than this short explanation for now.
Ronnie
The Magazine will return when the words and I are good and ready. Some time before too long I hope.
Sending best wishes. Maybe it’s life’s way of telling you to have a break from your own expectations. It’s allowed! Just spend time doing things you enjoy without giving yourself more chores. When the words feel like coming back I’m sure they will flow freely! In the meantime… keep well! X
Hi Ronnie,Hope all goes well at the hozzy,and in the meantime,follow Ann’s advice and take it easy. Just do nice things and be kind to yourself. Getting seeds and bulbs today is a good example! February is still hibernate-y weather.,so maybe get cosy with an audiobook or something lighthearted to read.
By the time your hospital date comes round,spring will be in the air,and all the good things of spring and summer to look forward to.
I love that photo you took,showing the two cathedrals. What a great city we live in - it’s a wondrous place indeed!xx